PLOT TWIST.

On Wednesday, May 27th, 2015, my boyfriend, Rob, and I decided to foster a puppy. A local shelter was in desperate need of foster families for puppies they were rescuing from a high kill shelter in North Carolina. We applied and were accepted, and later that evening, we had an 8 week old Rottweiler mix named Wilma in my apartment.

At first, she was just a random puppy. She was a homeless pup in danger of being euthanized and we wanted to help. She was very quiet and not very active. Wilma just stretched out on the floor and didn’t want to play or cuddle. She did her own thing. You could tell she was very scared and had no idea what was going on. I said to Rob that night, “You know, I don’t think I’ll ever really have a strong connection with this puppy. She’s a little boring and I know she’s leaving in a few weeks so I don’t think I’ll ever really have a strong bond with her.” How little I knew back then.

In another post, I will tell you the whole story of Wilma. But for now, let’s fast forward. My 18th day with Wilma was also my last day with Wilma; it was the day she was to be adopted: June 13th. Rob and I wanted to adopt her so very bad, but didn’t think it was fair for her to live in a small apartment on the 3rd floor with no backyard. Yes, we have a lot of green space around the complex, but not our own yard for her to run free in. She will grow to be at least 65 pounds and we figured she’d need more space. Did that make June 13th any easier? No. I regret our decision. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help it.

I read an article yesterday entitled, “Saying Goodbye to A Foster Pet” and it hit the nail right on the head. The part that really spoke to me read: “After days, weeks or even months of bonding, it can be painful to say goodbye to a foster pet. You may even experience strong feelings of guilt for not adopting the animal yourself—this is to be expected. However, it’s important to understand that while these feelings are natural for you, animals are incredibly resilient and adaptable—your foster pet will become part of his new family and be living happily ever after in no time!” I had to chuckle, because deep down in my heart I know Wilma will think of her new place as home and be super happy. She is resilient. It is I who is not so resilient. 

It’s hard to describe exactly how I feel. It partially feels as though a close family member has died. It also feels as though I betrayed my closest friend. I also feel as though I’ve made a very wrong decision. I feel regret. Sadness. Guilt. I’ve been kicking myself and going back over the past 3 weeks in my head over and over. It’s like when you go through a break up and you just keep thinking about all the great times and the fun times and you can’t help but to cry. You can’t help but to rethink your decisions and wish you could go back and do it all again. I’m upset with myself for not adopting Wilma, but hope that in time I’ll see that I did indeed make the right decision and that everything happens for a reason.

Wilma went to her new home this past Saturday. Two days ago. Today is Monday. I lost my body weight in tears on Saturday. Was Sunday any better? No. I thought a good night’s rest would help me. NOPE. Sunday I cried and cried. Luckily, a colleague of mine adopted Wilma rather than a stranger. I actually went over to my colleague’s home yesterday evening to visit and to bring some leftover treats and toys I had. It was really hard seeing Wilma again and then having to leave. I cried and cried.

Today is Monday and, you guessed it, I spent my morning crying. I really thought about calling out from work because I am just so not in the right frame of mind right now and I’m just in a bad place. But, I decided to go in because I needed any and all distractions to get my mind off Wilma. I’m sitting at work planning with some teammates when my phone goes off and it’s a text from Rob.

Last night, we saw a post on Facebook by the local animal shelter that had given us Wilma. They were asking for foster families for a batch of new puppies they’d be bringing up from North Carolina the next day (today). Rob and I looked at the post and then looked at each other and said no way. This weekend was the worst weekend of my life and this morning wasn’t any better. No dog will EVER be as great as Wilma. No dog could ever measure up. I told Rob that I don’t think I could ever foster again, or at least not for a very long time. I didn’t ever want to feel this feeling of complete and utter sadness again. I didn’t want my heart to shatter into a million pieces again. It’s too much to handle.

So, back to the text message I received this morning. Rob’s text reads: “THE ANIMAL PLACE CALLED ME AND ASKED IF WE WANTED TO FOSTER ANOTHER ONE THAT STILL NEEDS A HOME“. I thought to myself, he’s got to be kidding me, right? Doesn’t this shelter understand I’m currently going through PTSD? Really, I should be in therapy or something.

I received that text at 9:20 this morning. Rob and I texted back and forth while I was at work. While I absolutely did not want to foster another puppy, especially while I’m so distraught and emotionally unstable, a tiny part of me felt bad saying no. This puppy needs a foster family or it’ll be staying at the shelter, and what kind of life is that? We went back and forth awhile, trying to hash things out. Rob convinced me that taking a new dog in now may help me to get my mind off Wilma, which may be right. But what if I fall in love with this dog too? What if I get attached again?

Rob called the animal shelter back hours later, at 12:30, to see if they still needed a foster family. I was praying they’d say they’d already found one. But, of course, they still needed one. And could Rob just say “OK, sucks for you!” and hang up? Nope.

So, tonight, we’re getting a new foster puppy. This one is a different gender and different breed. He will be totally different than Wilma. I will do my best to not get to know him that well so that way I don’t get attached. But I already know he’ll never even come close to Wilma. I will be writing all about her in a future blog. I planned on sharing her story with you today. But, PLOT TWIST.

Rob and the puppy are currently en route to my apartment. He had to pick the dog up in Waldorf and I live about 80 minutes north. They aren’t even here yet and Rob and I are already regretting this last minute decision. I wish the shelter hadn’t called us and put us in this predicament. I wish Rob and I would’ve thought it out more and said we couldn’t do it. We want to help and we want to do the right thing but fostering is so very difficult and draining. I don’t think I’ll ever get over Wilma, and here they are giving me a new dog just two days later. Who do they think they are?

Well, Rob and I can be upset with ourselves and ask ourselves why we’re doing this again so soon, or we can just focus on the puppy who needs our help and needs our home to survive. It is our job as foster parents to socialize and rehabilitate the puppy in preparation for joining a forever family. I wish I could’ve been Wilma’s forever family. But, hey, life goes on and I can continue to cry about it (which I will) or I can move forward and try to save as many lives as I can. Yes, we’re crazy, and yes, we’ve made two “bad” decisions in just three consecutive days, but we’re human. And we’re trying. We make rash decisions sometimes without thinking it all the way through. We make mistakes. We don’t know what we’re doing half the time. But if we can make a difference in some small way we will give a valiant effort.

So, cheers to the plot twist. More to come on Wilma, and more to come on this new puppy… yes, I do not yet know his name. But he will be here shortly. Please pray for me.

Before I go, here’s a picture of Wilma giving me kisses a week or so back. How I wish I could go back and relive this all over again.